"The reason we like anal sex is because we know that girls don't actually like it." -security guard, at my place of employment.
The many things wrong with this statement are countless. I can't even begin to itemize them, but the most glaringly obvious is the attitude that performing a sex act upon an unwilling individual is gratifying. So gratifying, in fact, that one is able to achieve an erection and fuck for some sustained amount of time, and presumably, climax, because it is so sexy and satisfying to objectify a woman who is not willingly participatory for one's own simple pleasure.
Upon my objection to this statement, which was, incidentally, a simple explanation of why this statement was problematic, and why it shouldn't be said in the workplace, I was deemed an "angry woman" tellingly, by another employee who had said to me, two weeks prior, "Let's play the rape game! Replace words in movie titles with the word rape. So funny, right?!". My first encounters with this man are especially marked in my mind because he always insisted on hugging me. I generally objected, because the only things I had heard him say were racist, sexist or homophobic, and generally my hugs are reserved for people I actually like. Anyway.
My objection quickly became the wild proclamations of a deranged, emotional, unhinged, damaged woman in their eyes, and probably in others' eyes too. I felt as though objecting to their statements was revealing my personal history, because why would a 'normal' woman object to such a statement, why would someone without some trauma care about such a statement. This is a sick feeling. The idea that it is only those who have experienced something bad, who are willing to take a stand has in previous instances influenced my actions. I have felt my credibility lessen, my objections reduced in my own mind to those of a 'damaged' person, a 'crazy' woman. The intimidation which is constantly perpetrated by men like these men, men who see themselves as innocent, as 'good guys', and by a world which co-operates with them to make others feel that speaking out places them as outcasts is a problem. I can't say how people who haven't experienced rape feel about these statements, because I am not someone who hasn't experienced rape. I feel like objecting positions me in a particularly obvious place, regarding my experiences.
I don't believe that one should have to reveal their personal experiences in order to gain credibility when speaking out against the general bullshit that is off-the-cuff rape jokes and statements of intimidation, said casually as if there are no lasting effects. A respectful environment should be the default, I shouldn't have to put up my hand and demand it because of my experiences. Even though experiences of sexual violence are common, rape victims/survivors are still treated with a certain amount of deliberate pity/doubt/whimsy/caution that I am not really willing to attach to myself. At the same time, I believe that it is important and necessary for others to understand that experiences of sexual violence do not define people. "Rape victim" is not an all-encompassing identity. Survivors of sexual violence have always, and will always walk among us as successful and whole individuals. Maybe revealing experiences of sexual violence helps to get this message across.
Stats show that 2/3s of rape victims/survivors generally are friendly with, or know the people who rape them. Maybe the men in my workplace don't understand that rape is not predominantly a dramatic scene in which a strange man jumps out from a dark alley, abducting a scantily clad woman at knife point and forcing her into some sex act right there and then. I am not saying that this doesn't happen, because it has, and does, and it encompasses a whole other realm of experiences I can't even imagine enduring. However, the majority of rapes are perpetrated by people known to the victim/survivor and stats show that 30% of women will experience some form of sexual violence in their lives.
How one lives in a world without encountering a person, man or woman, who has experienced some form of sexual trauma is beyond me. Perhaps the people in my life have just been more open than others, or perhaps my casual mentions of my own situation/s and my obvious disdain for certain statements has prompted others to share their experiences with me. The intense, over-powering feeling of being completely objectified, being reduced to simply your physical parts, in the eyes of the perpetrator, no longer owning a brain, thoughts, beliefs, rights, dignity .... is a strong, and unforgettable one. And all I really want, as a foil to my shitty experiences is for the men and women I encounter on a regular basis to understand that the casual attitude about rape, the comedic stance some take to coerced sex, the general mockery of women who take a stance against this stuff, and the devaluing of women that occurs at every turn is not acceptable. I am not willing to live in a world where this stuff is not taken seriously. And the sad fact is that if I really stood up for my beliefs 100% of the time, I likely wouldn't have a job, because objecting is frowned upon, always. In order to embody the 'good woman' I must remain docile and subservient. I must give them hugs when they want, stroke their ego by pretending that I want to participate. Objecting to the statements of these men positions me in opposition of that role. However simplistic this analysis of the situation may be, I still feel that my life is affected by the fact that I am in opposition to the general conception of the way a woman should act, on a regular basis.
I often think that this is what frightens people about me. I look like a 'woman'. Unassuming, 'typical', long hair and lipstick sometimes, but my attitude is un-accepting of the repulsive rape culture that I live in, that is perpetrated by the men who work at the same establishment as me. Maybe if I looked angry, aggressive, violent, my objections would be taken seriously. No such luck yet.
The truth is, part of me is an angry woman, but I don't see this as unjustified. I am valued in my day to day life for the most servile of characteristics; I will make you a drink when you ask me to. I am supposed to laugh at your jokes. I am supposed to smile when you ask me to, faking genuine feeling for you- the drunk in front of me, who will probably tip me poorly because I didn't make you feel special enough. I am supposed to embed my speech with some form of innuendo, allowing you to believe there is some small, slight sexual possibility between us. While some of these things are particular to working as a bartender, many are not. These things transfer to other jobs and situations I, and I imagine, many women find themselves in while living their day to day lives.
This is it, my life. Every day. "Women have come so far!" people say. But many are still living their lives in the parameters set forth by the 'good woman' who has come before her. I have no reservations about saying that I live in a rape culture, an environment where rape is accepted, even encouraged, and women are de-valued on a rampant and ongoing basis.
And you know, I am tired. At twenty-six years of age, I am tired of constantly putting myself out there for the rape-apologists I encounter every damn day to decide that I am deranged, damaged, and that my statements are unworthy of their consideration. I am tired of listening to words in my workplace, by men who are employed as security guards, meaning they are the ones responsible for my safety no less, that contribute to the climate of ongoing devaluation of women, and of those who have experienced sexual violence. Voicing this in a casual manner got me nowhere. I had to cause a scene to be heard.
I have no fitting conclusion to this piece. Writing this is a simply self-serving activity, allowing me a forum to say what I need to say without someone yelling in my face about how irrational and angry I am because of the obvious points that are not necessary to highlight. If anything, I ask that people speak up. SPEAK UP. Statements of intimidation should not be ignored. Explanations of why statements like "The reason we like anal sex is because we know that girls don't actually like it." should not be necessary, but apparently they are. And I can only hope that there are more people on the side that says something, than on the side that doesn't.
